A Girl’s Notebook :)

I don’t know, I am not even sure how to differentiate love and infatuation. It’s been years since I felt a feeling like this.

My friends told me that I am just infatuated with him. Sooner or later, I will get over this feeling. I am no teenager, in fact I’d had 3 relationships before, And I’m in a 4-year relationship with ney, whom I love (as much as I know).

Then I just woke one day, and found myself falling for or being infatuated with someone else. Maybe because of the frequent misunderstanding that ney and I are having, and we seldom see each other, which made me enjoy his company. Although there are times that he tends to be a snob and so serious about life, I still find him lovable in spite of all the complexities in his life.

I just love looking at him. He makes me feel good everyday. There are moments that I just want to hug him and make him feel how I care for him. But then it is something that I can’t do and I should not do.

I am staring at my little girl at I write this article. Then a thought came to my mind, what if I am not into any relationship? What if I don’t have Antoinette in my life yet? Should my life could have been much easier? And the feeling I have right, now could have been easier to handle. If this is just infatuation then why do I get hurt? Is it because of the suppressed feelings I have inside? Or because, I’m frustrated that whatever I do, he can never be mine.

I and my friend J ate at Fazoli’s last Friday. I was crying as I told her the agony I have. She said that, if only my baby isn’t around yet, then she’ll even push me to go with what I feel.

But things are different from what I wanted to be. And she made me realize that the reason why I am hurting is because I am frustrated. I don’t want to have any reason to regret what I have right now. My baby is a wonderful gift and a blessing from God. I hope that ney and I will be able to patch things up and keep the relationship that we have fought for.

If I will be asked about the feelings I have for him, I would say that I have actually fallen in love with him, a love that I need to keep to myself and should never reveal to him. I thank God for letting me feel this kind of feelings again.

Do I expect love in return? I will not be hypocrite to say I am not. Of course I do. But then, I know that I should learnt o accept the fact that the love I’m longing from him will never come. That I should be happy for this love grows in me.

Going back to reality, I have a baby to care for and relationship to keep.

If one day, I will find myself in his arms, then it is God’s grace and blessings that took me there.